COUPLES COUNSELLING SERVICES
Relationship Dilemmas
Personal relationships with partners are probably the most complex and important things that we have to manage in our lives. When we enter into a new relationship and we are “In Love” we often feel so happy that we see no flaws in the other person as we have such a high level of acceptance, trust and goodwill towards them. We are probably on our “best behaviour” and actively go out of our way to please our partner as we feel secure, appreciated and loved by them. As the “honeymoon period” wears off and different life events happen to each individual within the couple such as bereavement, the birth of a child, redundancy, moving house, long term illness, etc. people often feel unsupported, let down or unloved by their partner. If these hurt feelings are not communicated openly and honestly between the couple resentment can build up. This can create a shift in the relationship dynamic and the goodwill towards each other can disappear and be replaced with arguments, disagreements and, in some extreme cases, physical violence. If these disputes are prolonged, unresolved and unforgiven they can go on to cause resentment, anxiety and insecurity, which in turn can lead to a lack of communication or ultimately emotional withdrawal. The opposite of Love is commonly thought to be Hate. However, in my opinion, this is untrue, Love and Hate are two sides of the same coin, so if we hate someone we are unconsciously admitting that we are angry with someone we love. The opposite of Love is Indifference or not caring about someone and that is a very difficult emotional point to reach about someone we have once loved, trusted and been sexually intimate with.
How Couples Counselling can help
The reason why couples counselling can help is that the Counsellor acts as an independent, impartial observer of the situation. In the sessions the Counsellor listens to both individuals point of view which, in turn, forces each person to actively listen to the other. This may be the first time that this has happened in months or years. A good counsellor can help the couple start to acknowledge their feelings towards each other in a safe and controlled way. Initially there may be a high degree of blame towards each other over past events so it is important that these past events are discussed and the feelings of both parties validated. However, if both individuals want the relationship to continue in a more peaceful way this can be overcome by focussing on the present and the future rather than the past.
A Solution-focussed approach will help the couple to set common goals that they can agree on to help move things forward. Once some common goals are set each individual can start focussing on the changes they need to make in order to resolve the situation and improve the relationship again.
Sometimes a couple have reached a point where they are so angry with each other that one or both parties want to separate. In this instance couples counselling can help bring about an amicable separation and avoid huge legal battles and costs. If children are involved in the relationship it can make the separation process easier and calmer for them. I do not think that separation is an easy choice for any couple to make but counselling can help it to be more amicable and less painful.
It is important to remember that a Counsellor will not advise a couple whether to stay together or separate. The Counsellor has been trained to stay impartial, emotionally objective and will not side with one person or the other. This is why the couple benefit from the process.
For more information please email any questions or call for an informal chat.